Bettys Tour 2019: The Bettys Matrix

For those of you who are interested in the logistics of the Bettys Tour 2019, my intention is to sample elevenses and afternoon tea in every branch of Bettys. Six branches, two visits per branch, 12 visits in total. A simple enough task you might think, but factor in the need for a balanced assessment across all branches, two types of afternoon tea (excluding the champagne option), the fact that I like Fat Rascals and Curd Tarts equally, plus the need to build in some time for travelling between tea rooms, sightseeing and recovery, and the scale of the operation starts to become apparent. The risk of a timetabling clash is simply too great to play this kind of thing by ear. Hence the need for the Bettys Matrix.

The Matrix is designed to accommodate the following requirements.

• The consumption of equal amounts of Fat Rascals and Curd Tarts.
• The need to sample the Traditional Afternoon Tea and the Yorkshire Cream Tea.
• The need to assess consistency and continuity in the Bettys supply and distribution chain, by sampling the same menu item in Ilkley, Harrogate, Northallerton and York.
• A late decision to sample the highly recommended English Breakfast, Swiss Rösti and Yorkshire Rarebit, necessitating three extra visits on the basis that even I can’t eat a savoury breakfast item and an elevenses item during the same visit. And no, you can’t have a savoury item on its own for elevenses. That’s brunch.
• Travelling between locations on transit days so as either to arrive in the next location in time for elevenses, or to depart after elevenses and arrive in the next location in time for afternoon tea, whilst maintaining an appropriate standard of dress and an air of effortless and relaxed insouciance at all times.
• Time for sightseeing and recovery between tea room visits.
• The need to limit Bettys exposure to no more than two visits per day, for the sake of my health and the mental wellbeing of Bettys personnel.

After a considerable amount of thought and drafting over the last few days, the Bettys Matrix has now been finalised and appears below.

The Curd Tart/Fat Rascal conundrum has been solved by providing for these items to be consumed for elevenses and alternating consumption from visit to visit, resulting in an overall consumption of three Fat Rascals and three Curd Tarts. The menu item to check consistency and continuity of supply across all four locations has been chosen as the Traditional Afternoon Tea, meaning that the Yorkshire Cream Tea will be sampled in York and Harrogate, where there are two Bettys branches. The breakfast items will be sampled in the locations for which the recommendation was received, apart from the Yorkshire Rarebit which will be sampled in York rather than Harrogate, due to the need to keep the morning of day 4 clear for a visit to the Turkish Bath (and the upper limit of two Bettys visits on day 3).

I’m currently toying with the idea of having the Warm Treacle Tart for elevenses in York and Harrogate. This is a slightly high risk strategy, given the need to eat equal numbers of Fat Rascals and Curd Tarts, meaning that if the Warm Treacle Tart doesn’t come up to scratch in Harrogate, I will either have to have it again in York, break my embargo on the Vanilla Slice, or go off-piste and choose something new from the menu, for which I am not sure I am quite yet mentally prepared. On reflection, it is supposed to be a voyage of discovery, so perhaps a wild card might not be such a bad idea after all.

Risk areas include:

• timetabling clashes between tea room visits and sightseeing engagements which have already been booked;
• travel delays, resulting in the possibility of arriving too late for elevenses or afternoon tea (or having to take luggage to the tea room);
• supply issues resulting either in Fat Rascals, Curd Tarts or Afternoon Tea items not being available in all Bettys branches; and
• over-indulgence at breakfast, jeopardising consumption at elevenses.

The Bettys Matrix brings the overall risk level down to within acceptable parameters as regards timetabling and travel delay risk, but unfortunately cannot address the tea room supply risk. However, given the long established nature of the Bettys tea room operation, I am confident that the tea room supply risk is within acceptable parameters. The breakfast over-indulgence risk is within acceptable parameters as long as porridge and/or a cooked breakfast are not consumed on a day when elevenses is timetabled.

I am still in the process of deciding assessment criteria. Excellence and charm of service across all branches are guaranteed and so will not be assessed. Perhaps I shall assess the level of campness of the overall experience in each branch, bearing in mind that anything involving tea time indulgence and aprons has to involve an element of campness to a greater or lesser extent. Or is that just me?

Matrix update

Having now road-tested the Bettys Matrix, it works well in most respects, but bear in mind the following points.

• If you travel from Ilkley to Harrogate on a Sunday, the first train won’t arrive in Harrogate until just after 11 am, meaning that if you are due to visit Harlow Carr that day, you will need to get your skates on, in order to avoid missing elevenses. Consider taking a taxi to Harlow Carr, despite the shouts of “Ow Much?” from your Inner Yorkshireman. Make sure that you walk back to Harrogate at the end of your visit though, to take in Valley Gardens, if not to walk off the excesses of elevenses and afternoon tea at Harlow Carr.
• If you want more elevenses variety than the Bettys Matrix provides for, consider the Warm Treacle Tart and Fondant Fancy as alternative elevenses items in Harrogate and York (where there are two branches of Bettys). Bear in mind the need to ensure equal consumption of Fat Rascals and Curd Tarts though, meaning that if you go off-piste for elevenses in Harrogate, you will need to do it once again in York.
• If you want more afternoon tea variety than the Bettys Matrix provides for, consider substituting the Yorkshire Cream Tea in Harrogate or York with something from the cake trolley. Don’t forget to have something savoury and something sweet. Suggested items include the Pikelets, the Fruit Meringue and the Vanilla Slice. Make sure to have the Yorkshire Cream Tea once, and to sample the Traditional Afternoon Tea at least once in Ilkley, Harrogate, Northallerton and York.
• If you try the Vanilla Slice, make sure you ask for a proper fork to eat it with, and consider eating it as you would anything else requiring a fork and a knife; a cake fork simply isn’t up to the job. This isn’t a criticism of the Bettys Vanilla Slice by the way, but rather a salutary warning from experience of the perils of slippage if nothing but a cake fork is used to cut through the Vanilla Slice and anchor it to the plate at the same time. When negotiated successfully, however, it is quite a cathartic experience if (like me) you suffered the public humiliation as a child of a cake shooting onto the floor in a café through vigorous use of a cake fork and/or eating a Vanilla Slice with your fingers and ending up with icing and crème patissière all over your face and hands.
• If you are meeting anyone else for elevenses or afternoon tea in York or Harrogate, make it absolutely clear in which branch of Bettys you will be meeting to avoid confusion. This is particularly important in Harrogate where the distance between Harlow Carr and the war memorial in the town centre (next to which the other branch is located) could cause significant last-minute logistical challenges.
• Regarding the breakfast over-indulgence risk, under no circumstances should you have porridge at Bill’s in York on a day when you are due to have elevenses. The portion is enormous, it is served with banana, and it is irresistibly delicious.